No matter how many times I take your picture
No matter how many different ways I take it
I can’t seem to capture you
I can’t seem to hold your smell
your skin
your warmth I feel when we hug
No matter what I do, to make you stay here
I understand staying is not the way it works
staying is only prolonging goodbye
but I need you because when you leave
It is my turn to become you
and when you leave, I no longer have the buffer
of life, which you provide
which your father and mother provided,
which your brother provided
which your sister provided.
I am alone when you leave
and not alone, knowing
that after you have left, I may
have more access to you
than I do now
but such access
is the type
where I may not ever hear your replies.
but more than that, I need you
because of how I love you
and because you guide me.
And then, I sit, and beside me is my son
his head laying on my lap, asleep, as I was once with you
he looks up simply, and asks
Daddy, please tickle my back
and in that moment
and every moment he asks me one of those questions
I understand where I am,
and exactly where you are.