Last night as I began to get ready for bed….
my entire being felt as though I had been deceived by who I am and more than that – where I actually exist.
My heart rate faster than usual as I felt sure my deception was accurate and all I could do was hug my kids and ask them if I am really here.
The existential thought that began to occur still sits inside me as I write this note. Am I actually alive I wondered, or have I already transitioned but this is one of those transitions where the soul is stuck in a place and time and I am that soul, and it is me that is stuck, so stuck, I am unable to be aware of my true awareness. Instead I am aware only of what must be a continued out of body dream.
Is my family imagining my presence as I interact with them and why at times I feel invisible even in their sight.
Then my being goes to the certainty or maybe just the possibility that we truly do live in a timeless infinite dimension
of space and that there is A reality where my soul did transition from the body named David born late 60’s and another
reality where it did not. A reality where I have already achieved the full grace of unadulterated love and another reality
where I am still exercising to understand and be in that frame of mind and spirit.
And as I fell asleep unsure of what dimension I was really in and a certainty that I was in all of them- the next realization was that we have full and complete control over how we form our world around us and then my ego told me I am learning these things to do great things
and my heart told me THAT is true but we are ALL here to do great things so don’t think of it as special.
When I actually fell asleep my dreams were of me floating in a place feeling pure love and happiness around all that I have here and an openness to take my earthly smile into all realms because it was MY smile and MY laugh which would be MY tools to mold MY universe.
I woke up differently today than in the past. I was on my own mushroom journey last night, one I created sans a mushroom but because I let go of my logical thought.
What scares me is all I felt and understood was also in the moment, logical to me.
My fear is an angel will tap me on the shoulder and simply whisper:
HEY – you got it. Now – It’s time to come with me and start all over again.